the sabotage

i have been having problems - with fun. subconsciously, i have indeed been causing any frivolous event to crash and burn (in my head). i would be excited of a trip or a dinner with friends but when the time grows close, i have this temptemption to cancel at the last minute - and if i do force myself to go, as i have said, i sabotage it in my head (an apparently sees the mental murder).